Introduction
This Net Lawman article is one in a series about divorce. It will be useful reading to all those who experience the effects of divorce – the divorcees, older children, family and so on. Links to the other articles are at the end of this one.
You will both always be parents to your children. It is in the interests of most children to see both parents regularly. Contact with the parent they're not living with is therefore very important to them. You may have made your own arrangements for this or the court might have made an order. In all cases concerning children the interest of the child is the most important thing and it can be helpful to try and see things from his or her point of view. When would s/he like to see each of you? How would s/he like to spend time with you? How would s/he like you to behave towards each other and him/her?
Making contact work
Unless there is a danger of physical or psychological abuse (both of the child and/or the former partner) or abduction are a real danger (see ‘Emergencies’ below), these are some of the things you might want to consider:
a. If you are the parent with whom the children live:
- encourage contact, try and be as positive about this as you would of any other activity that's beneficial to your child and that s/he enjoys
- if you can, talk to him/her about what s/he enjoyed about his/her time with her other parent
- try to be civil to your former partner at pick up/drop off time and when making arrangements - think of him/her as a 'business partner' in the business of bringing up your children if that helps.
- keep your own issues separate - if you need to talk to your former partner about something not connected to the children, such as your feelings, finances etc. try and do this on a separate occasion when the children aren't there
- keep child support/maintenance and contact separate - whether your partner pays or not should not affect your child's right to see him or her. You would be punishing your child for your partner's fault.
- Try to be flexible about visits
b. If you are the parent who has contact:
- try to stick to the arrangements wherever possible. If you're going to be late or are unable to have the child let him/her know as soon as possible and make arrangements for the next visit
- try to be civil to your former partner and keep non-contact issues separate (see above)
- pay child support/maintenance. It's for the benefit of your child and will make it much easier to have a reasonably good relationship with his/her mother.
- try and spend the time you have with your child in doing things both of you enjoy. Keep talking to him/her
- if possible, agree with your former partner to be there for parents evenings, football tournaments etc.
- try to be as flexible as possible
Remember that if there are problems with contact that you are unable to sort out between you, the Family Mediation Service can help you resolve them. You might also like to read our free article on mediation, links to which are below.
Re-establishing contact
There are a number of reasons why you may have lost contact with your children and you may now feel that you would like to spend time with them again. Alternatively, you might have felt that it wasn't in your children's best interest to have contact with your former partner and now feel differently. As in all matters concerning children, the most important thing is what's in the child's best interest.
Possibly the best way to re-establish contact with your children is by, initially, re-establishing contact with your former partner. Explain to him/her what your thoughts and feelings are and why you feel that it would be good for the children. You could make some proposals as to times and places. Try to be as pleasant as possible - no matter what your feelings are about your former partner s/he is also the parent of your child.
Children, as well as former partners sometimes respond negatively to a parent trying to re-establish contact. This could be for a number of reasons, for example, they might feel angry for the past lack of contact. So bear this in mind when you make arrangements to see your children.
As a last resort, you can make an application to the court for an order for contact.
Introducing new partners
Apart from conflicts over contact with both parents, their parents having new partners is probably the next most disturbing thing to a child after divorce. Before you introduce a new partner to your child, you might want to consider putting yourself into your child's position:
- s/he may still harbour hopes that you and your partner might reunite;
- s/he may feel less loved because there is now another person in your life;
- s/he may fear that this person intends to take the place of his/her mother/father;
- an older child may feel embarrassed by the situation;
- s/he will almost certainly feel unsure about how to behave.
Of course, none of this should deter you from having a relationship again but you might want to think about how to introduce this to your children. You could:
- give them the time they need to get used to the idea rather than tell them that they now have a new 'step' something;
- reassure them that you still love them, still want to spend time with them;
- it can be a good idea to keep some 'separate' contact time without your new partner being present;
- if your child expresses negative emotions, be understanding about it.
Do not expect them to love or even like your new partner just because you do. Give them (and your new partner) the freedom to develop their own relationship at their own pace.
Emergencies
As is the case during divorce proceedings, situations requiring immediate action to protect your children can arise. There might be threat of your partner taking the child permanently out of the country, your partner refusing for your child to have medical treatment or even violence and other abuse. In these cases you need to act immediately. For abuse and kidnapping contact your local police station, in other cases contact a solicitor (making sure you explain how urgent it is). Fortunately these kinds of cases are relatively rare and most parenting 'emergencies' can be dealt with by agreement.
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