Parents getting divorced are a very traumatic experience for children. They may feel unloved, angry with one or both of you, unhappy, insecure, afraid and even responsible for the break-up. You and your partner can do a lot to make this transition easier for them.
Here are a few do’s and don’ts
Do
Give them lots of reassurance that you still love them;
Tell them that things will be better once everything is sorted out;
Try to present a united parenting front as much as possible;
Give them a break when they are misbehaving – it might be because they’re finding it difficult to express their emotions in other ways;
Give yourself a break too – you’re under a lot of stress and it’s understandable that you might not always be as patient as you might wish;
Tell their teacher about the situation – just brief facts. It’ll help the teacher support your children and watch out for changes in behaviour before they become a major problem;
Enlist the help of friends and family, provided they are prepared to be supportive of the children’s needs and don’t take sides;
Explain to older children that you will take their wishes into consideration when it comes to sorting out where they’re going to live etc;
Look for children’s books or films about divorce (where the parents don’t get back together). If the children of friends/family have been through a divorce, they can also be a great source of support for your children;
Get professional help if it becomes too much.
Don’t
Ask them to choose sides;
Talk negatively about your partner in front of them;
Discuss your reasons for the divorce with them except in very general terms, e.g. ‘don’t get on anymore;
Let them overhear arguments. If it does happen, reassure them. Don’t blame your partner when you do this;
A way of making it easier to separate the ‘parent’ and ‘husband/wife’ roles is to think of parenting as a job. You may not want to live with your ‘colleague’, may not like him/her but, if you want this ‘job’ done well, you will need to do it together.
A note on violence
Never tolerate violence. It has an extremely damaging effect on children, even if they are just witnesses rather than victims. If you feel you are in danger of becoming violent, remove yourself from the situation and get some help. If your partner is violent towards you or the children or is threatening to be so, you should get help immediately to get an injunction against him/her. We do not currently offer this service, but a solicitor will be able to help you.
How do we decide where they’re going to live, how often the other person sees them etc.?
In any proceedings relating to children, the most important thing for the courts is the welfare of the child. As a parent, that is also the most important thing to you. Because of this principle, there is an enormous amount of flexibility in the arrangements you can agree and which the court will not interfere in. There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ or ‘general’ arrangement when it comes to children and where the parents agree, there will be no court order.
In disputed cases, the judge has a checklist and some of the items s/he has to consider might also be helpful for parents when trying to agree arrangements:
What does the child want (obviously this depends on the child’s age);
What are his/her educational, physical and emotional needs and how is each one of you going to be able to contribute to those;
How would a change in circumstances affect the child? (For example moving into a different area, moving in with a parent’s new partner etc.).
When you file your divorce petition, you will also need to file a statement of arrangements for the children. This form asks questions about living arrangements, how often the child sees the parent s/he is not living with, proposals for maintenance, any health/educational problems etc. Its purpose is to give enough information to the district judge so s/he can consider whether these arrangements are in the child’s best interest.
If you’ve thought your arrangements through taking into account the checklist, this will be clear from your answers and the district judge is much less likely to need further information.
Arrangements for children are never considered final. This allows you to alter your arrangements voluntarily whenever you are agreed or to apply to the court when you aren’t.
An example of a statement of arrangements for the children and detailed guidance notes are available through us. If you have any other questions, our family law expert is happy to help. Alternatively, you might want to make use of our all-inclusive divorce service.
Important note about your will
When you were married, your old will became void. This does not happen on divorce or separation. If you never had a will anyway, maybe it is time that you did. We provide a range of template will documents to suit everyone, with loads of advice and over thirty easy-to-read free information articles about aspects of wills and tax. More
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Do not provide a complete or authoritative statement of the law;
Do not constitute legal advice by Net Lawman;
Do not create a contractual relationship;
Do not form part of any other advice, whether paid or free.
